Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
