I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
