I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
