Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
