omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
