she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
