My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
