I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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