Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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