I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
