Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
