I wish my penis had an off switch
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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