i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize