What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
