Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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