Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
