This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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