Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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