I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
