Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
