Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
