Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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