Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
mondays should just be called national damage control day
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
