After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
