I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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