A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
