Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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