I think im going to throw up on grandma
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
