It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
