It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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