Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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