My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
