hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
