we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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