Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
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Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
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I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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