My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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