Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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