I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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