I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
