Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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