Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
