that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
