i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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