hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
