I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
