just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
