i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
