all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
