When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
