I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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