I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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