I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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