I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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