So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
