The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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