Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
