I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
