my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
